The Relational Impacts of Trauma:
Healing the disconnect with self and others
Unresolved trauma impacts can last a lifetime, impacting relationships and life goals.
Often subtle, unseen or remaining a secret for many years while survivors suffer in silence.
Trauma impacts not only the person who directly experiences it, but others they are in relationship with. If trauma occurred in a relationship, it will play out in future relationships and, therefore, can be healed in relationships too.
Developmental trauma from our younger years has a profound impact on the way we connect with ourselves and those around us.
It acts as a damaging force, fragmenting and distorting our sense of self and creating barriers in our relationships.
By understanding relational trauma, we can begin to navigate the path towards healing and rebuilding our lives.
Trauma can occurs when there is one or many intense, overwhelming, frightening. violating, distressing and/or repeated and multiple events over time that a child cannot process.
When this occurs in childhood it is especially damaging and impacts adult life for years to come.
Healing trauma is about inner work as we can’t change the events of the past.
This is because trauma is what happens within us, not outside of us.
We create ways of operating to cope and survive the initial impacts and this way of living can dissociate us from our true selves and others.
Many people will believe they don’t suffer with any trauma because nothing ‘horrific’ happened in their childhood or life.
They may not recognise neglect or emotional abuse—’ it wasn’t that bad’.
Minimised was the single word that triggered my healing journey. It was a realisation of what I had done for over 40 years.
I had minimised what happened to me in order to survive.
Trauma Patterns
When we find repeated difficulty with communication, are often in conflict with others, highly reactive in relationships, find trouble with staying regulated emotionally and find repeating negative patterns with people or having the same difficult issues in life, it’s time to lean in and stop to ask why.
Time to understand some of these patterns and how they were created before you can heal and transform them for the better.
Trauma unhealed permeates lives, leaving lasting imprints on our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.
The effects of trauma can manifest in various ways, including obvious ones such as PTSD, flashbacks, nightmares, high uncontrollable emotions, aggression and violence, crime, substance and alcohol abuse, abusive relationships, eating disorders, anxiety, depression.
These are fairly recognisable to most people.
But there are other more nuanced symptoms that are prevalent in society such as over-achieving, overworking, peace keeping, people pleasing, avoidance, procrastination, perfectionism, overgiving, self-sabotage, hyper-independance and hypervigilance among many others.
Adaption to Trauma
Trauma fractures our sense of self, leading to a disconnection from our own emotions, thoughts and bodies. When faced with overwhelming circumstances, dissociation can occur as a coping mechanism to detach from the present reality in order to cope.
This ongoing or frequent state can result in difficulty feeling, recognising, acknowledging and processing emotions.
This lack of a sense of our own trauma and issues can be so maladaptive and hve been running for so long that we can believe that any problems we experience are down to ‘other people’ and their issues. Accountability is low and blame and projection is high.
So raising awareness of self is the first step as we are the common factor in those relationships.
Furthermore, trauma can distort our self-perception, leading to feelings of guilt, shame, or worthlessness.
Survivors may blame themselves for what happened or struggle to trust their own judgments and instincts.
This lost sense of self and internal conflicts contribute to a weakened connection with our authentic self, making it challenging to establish a solid foundation for healthy relationships. (This language may appear to suggest that we are not ‘authentic’ after trauma, but it’s more about what kind of ‘self’ has been created in order to survive).
The ‘armour’ that is put on (both consciously and unconsciously) to be able to continue to survive will come in the shape of thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviours.
There comes a time, as adults. where this is not useful anymore and hinders our lives. The parts of us that become adaptive in this way often remain young. So how to heal and become aware of this and ourselves is a key part of the process of healing and growth.
Rediscovering your true self
Trauma not only disrupts our relationship with self so we can lose who we truly are, but it also creates barriers in our relationships with others. It may be difficult to trust, form deep emotional bonds or be vulnerable.
Survivors may also experience a withdrawal from social interactions and relationships themselves as they attempt to protect themselves from potential triggers or re-traumatisation. This self-imposed isolation can reinforce feelings of loneliness and further hinder the healing process as healing is not a process to be undertaken alone.
This can feel impossible to overcome sometimes as the fear grips and holds a story that other people are not safe. Which, of course, they weren’t if your trauma is relational in origin. As a child, if you were’t protected and safe, this is a pattern that will continue until healing can happen and safety can be restored.
Protection is the name of the game for the unconscious, with keeping you alive and safe as it’s sole intention.
The gentle healing approaches can dissolve behaviours and patterns and lead a way forward to unearth your true self, who you were before and are now.
Rebuilding Connections
Recognising the realtional impact of trauma is crucial for fostering your healing and rebuilding connections. Here are some key steps towards overcoming the disconnection caused by trauma: These steps are often not easy as they are often unfamiliar and don’t come naturally to survivors, so it’s about going gently with yourself.
Self-Compassion: Practicing self-compassion is essential in restoring the relationship with yourself. By allowing yourself to care about yourself, by not mimimising your experience, you can bring the space in which to acknowledge and validate the experience and begin to reconnect with your emotions and inner world.
Therapeutic Support: Seeking professional help through therapy, counselling and coaching provides a safe space to explore and process trauma and finding the right person is the priority. In safety, you can start to understand how trauma has affected you and how you can start to regulate your nervous system, heal triggers and expand your emotional capacity. You can create healthier coping mechanisms and change unhelpful beliefs about yourself, others and the world.
Build Supportive Relationships: Surrounding yourself with a supportive network of friends, family or support groups can aid in the healing process. Sharing experiences and emotions with trusted individuals fosters a sense of belonging and gradually rebuild trust. Finding your voice is an important part of the healing journey as there may have been silence, secrecy, fear and shame around your story. Finding others who have similar experiences who can also empathise and understand is not to be underestimated for recovery and rebuilding trust.
Mindfulness and Grounding Techniques: Practicing presence, mindfulness and grounding techniques can help trauma survivors learn to reconnect with the present moment and reduce anxiety. This can create a foundation for authentic connections with others and is a powerful strategy for coping with anxiety and daily situations that can challenge your nervous system. There has often been a disconnect between body and mind from trauma so this is the connective work to come back to self.
Movement: Breathwork, meditation, dance, walking and stretching are some powerful pathways to reconnecting with your body. Learning to listen to the somatic messages to understand where trauma shows up in body and what you can do to discharge the energy in the moment.
Emotional Intelligence: Building your awareness emotionally plays a vital role in the context of trauma by helping you to recognise, name and process your emotions, to express your feelings and to regulate them effectively. Traumatic experiences can create a flood of intense emotions such as fear, anger, sadness and grief. By acknowledging these emotions, you can navigate the healing process effectively and build resilience.
This is just a glimpse into the impacts of trauma, the disconnect it causes and and how you can begin to heal your trauma and reconnect with yourself and others.
Reclaiming your identity and working with your inner worlds and emotional awareness will enable you to walk a path of continued healing.
It’s a journey of patience, time, tenderness, compassion to find connection again.
It’s not an easy path, don’t walk it alone.
Teresa Brooks is a Transformational Growth Coach, NLP Trainer, NLP Master Practitioner, Silent Counsellor, MHFA (England) and Holistic Therapist.
Using a trauma centric approach, she is passionate about healing the impacts of trauma and has has a mind:body approach to holistic healing with a passion for language and communication. As a survivor of childhood trauma, she is a passionate advocate for other complex trauma adult survivors to speak their truth, find their voice and reclaim their identity and freedom .
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